Fade Away
by DancingPhalangess
Summary: It's more than a diet, it's a disease. A disease that infects both mind and body and whispers 'don't eat that, you're far too fat'. A disease that has Rachel Berry in its unrelenting hold.
1. Chapter 1

**A possible one shot. I'm not entirely sure. **

That was wrong.

The thin red line, pointing to the dot that symbolised the number 95 was lying. She couldn't have lost weight. She knew she hadn't because she could feel the extra fat on her body, its presence lingered on her stomach, her arms, her face. She saw it there when she looked in the mirror. It had been there that very morning, all the disgusting fat that clung to her, the very reason she wasn't pretty, and now this device was trying to tell her she had lost two pounds.

Rachel scowled and climbed off them, giving them a nudge with her foot as she left the bathroom, not bothering to turn off the light as she did so. They were broken, she'd have to get some new ones as soon as she came out of school. The run to the store would do her good, help shift some of those pounds she had felt herself putting on with every scrap of food that had passed her lips over the past week.

Her feet carried her across the room, almost against her will and brought her to a stand still in front of her full length mirror. Looking at her reflection was not something Rachel liked to do, especially not now. Even less so in the morning before she had the time to apply the concealer that carefully covered the deep dark rings scarred under her eyes, the paleness of her skin and the ugly marks that covered it.

But a little make up could cover all that. It could give her skin some colour, hide the spots, the dark circles. A hot iron could sort her lank hair. With a dash of eye liner, she could bring out her eyes, the one feature she could actually stand on herself, and direct attention away from her nose. She could even fix her height with a pair of heels. But no amount of make-up could hide the rest of her body. That was still on view to the world, even when she hid it with baggy clothes. They could see her face, her round, podgy face that still held every once of fat she had tried so desperately to shift.

With one last filthy look at the girl in the mirror, Rachel turned away from her own reflection, disgusted. And ignoring her aching bones, her drooping eyes and her muscles screaming in protest, she plugged in her i-pod and climbed onto her exercise bike, forcing her moaning limbs to move, minutes leaking into hours as she forced her body to work to the chanting voice in her head, assuring her that it was what she needed.

…

_It had not always been that way. There was a time she had loved her own body, even in the face of the taunts of almost everyone she came into contact with. Rachel had learned to ignore the comments flung her way about her height, her nose, her clothes, her personality and even her weight. She ignored each one of them, knowing that one day, she'd be the one on top and they'd be claiming to have been her best friend in high school. When that time came, Rachel would take no greater pleasure than in reminding them of just how much of a 'friend' they were to her. _

_ But something changed when she joined Glee Club. Suddenly, the taunts were much worse. For a while, Rachel had thought she had found friendship. She'd thought that maybe, she would be able to join together with the rest of those in her school were at the bottom of the scrap heap, in the same position as her, but it just hadn't been like that, and somehow, their comments were even worse than those of the popular kids. _

_ There was something about hearing the football team taunt her that slid right over her head, she knew they were just being jocks, proving their place and putting the losers in theirs. When they taunted her, even when they slushied her, Rachel didn't take it personally. She knew they'd do it to anyone, even one of their own as soon as they fell from the top. But the Glee Club, that was different. They were already on the bottom, they had nothing to lose by being kind to her, but still they could not manage it. Rachel was just a voice to them, and they let her know it. _

_ But still Rachel forced the show face on each day and hoped that she would be able to rise above their comments just as she did everyone else's. She told herself they were just jealous of her talent, they wanted to be her and knowing they couldn't made them put her down. And for a while, that worked. Their comments hurt, but she was able to brush them off, at least pretend they didn't care, and comforted herself in the knowledge she would one day be on top. _

_ Then she met Finn. And from there, for a while, it was all better. Rachel didn't care what the rest of the Glee kids thought of her, as long as she had Finn on her side, who had shown he cared about her. He had even kissed her, although he had Quinn Fabray, the hottest girl in school, head cheerleader, for a girlfriend. For the first time, Rachel wasn't just able to ignore the insults, but actually feel good about herself. _

_ When he had broken up with Quinn, she had seen it as her chance. Her chance to be happy, to finally have someone who loved her for her, knew all the faults and still wanted to be with her despite the hate of the rest of the school. But it hadn't taken long for her to realise Finn was no different from the others. Or maybe he was, maybe she was the one who was wrong. 'To find his inner rock star' was the reason he had given for breaking up with her, but Rachel knew what that really meant. She just wasn't good enough, popular enough, pretty enough. _

_ The loneliness had taken hold of her, stronger than ever until Rachel could barely breathe with it. She had started to look at herself differently, take notice of all the put downs, even those of the popular jocks, insults that had only grown worse in the weeks that had followed the Cheerios joining Glee. And when she started to notice them, she couldn't stop. They were all she heard, even when she was alone, everything that had ever been shot at her whirled around in her brain, making it impossible to believe anything else. _

_ Jesse had been her one escape from all of that. The person who made her feel special, pretty almost. He told her sweet things, all she longed to hear. Words that could sometimes talk over the taunts, make her forget for just one moment how much of a loser she really was. His kisses took her somewhere else, some place she mattered and wasn't just a voice. _

_ Just weeks after she had met Jesse, Rachel had found her mother. The one person she had longed for her entire life, and finally, she dared to believe she wouldn't have to wait until she was on Broadway to be happy. Jesse was wonderful, but he didn't understand her like her mother could. He didn't know what it felt like to feel so unpretty. He was on top, he didn't know the pain of daily insults and slushies. _

_ But her mother would know those things. She knew how it was to have her dreams knocked down again and again, and finally, Rachel was going to have someone to talk to about all the thoughts in her head that told her she wasn't good enough, that someone would always be better. She'd have someone to tell about how ugly she felt, how horrible she even thought her own personality, something she had always prided herself on before Glee. And most of all, she was going to have someone to love her unconditionally. _

_ Something inside Rachel had broken when her mom had wanted nothing more to do with her. She had known she was wrong somehow, but she had never thought her very own mother would see it too. She was supposed to love her. Clearly, her mom thought her just as unlovable as everyone else did. Then Jesse too. The relationship that had been a lie all along. And suddenly, every sweet word he had ever spoken to her, every kiss that had made her feel beautiful no longer mattered because none of it had been real. _

_ Everything that had made her feel good about herself was gone just like that, and Rachel was back to hearing the insults, taking them in and listening to them over and over again like a record stuck on her least favourite tune. She heard them every time she saw her reflection, in the mirror, in a car windscreen, in her bedroom window, even on the oven door. They whispered in her ear even when she wasn't looking at herself, reminding her every last moment that she would never fit, never be who she wanted. _

_ So she had decided to do something about it. And that time, there had been no one around to save her. Even when Finn had came along, a week later, it had been too late by then. Rachel was already in the grip of her own destruction. She couldn't believe him when he told her she was beautiful anyway, hearing only the voice of his inner rock star, telling her she wasn't enough. _

…

School seemed like even more of a chore than ever that day. Rachel hadn't even wanted to go in, but she had a perfect attendance record and wasn't about to ruin that just because she was too lazy to handle a little exercise. It was nothing unlike she had done before. However, that day wasn't helped by the second slushie of the morning to hit her in the face, drenching her hair and clothes, clinging to her face and rolling down her neck, even reaching her bra.

Laughter erupted around her and Rachel resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. The students had seen her slushied over and over again, most of them had done it themselves at one point or another, so why was it they still got such a thrill out of seeing her humiliated? Had the novelty of seeing her dripping in flavoured ice not yet worn off? Was it really so amusing to see her crumble, the confident smile wiped off her face yet again? Clearly.

Blinking slushie from her eyes, Rachel hurried to the bathroom, cursing herself for not bringing a second set of spare clothes. She should have known she would get more than one facial. Why did she always have to be so stupid? She had been dumb enough to think people would actually like her in high school. That she'd be popular, loved, known. She was certainly known throughout the school. Known for being a loser.

The bathroom door slammed behind her as Rachel stormed into it, furious with herself and her peers for always putting her in this situation. A loser at the bottom of the tower. But perhaps if she were prettier, she'd move up. Perhaps if she were prettier, she would stop dragging down Finn with her. Maybe he wouldn't shy away from it when she tried to kiss him in the halls. Maybe he wouldn't laugh at Santana's taunts, maybe he would stand up for her and maybe, just once, he would be proud to call her his girlfriend.

The slushie had soaked her top through, but as she had no change, Rachel knew she was just going to have to live with it. Even so, she made a feeble attempt to shift some of it using paper towels, but soon realised it was pointless. She would have to take it off and change into the top she had been wearing first thing. It was also covered in slushie, but at least it may have started to dry out by now.

The top was half way over her head when Rachel heard the door swing open and immediately froze. She wanted to whip it back down again, hide what lay underneath her clothes, but for some reason, she didn't move. She stayed there, in the same position, hoping the person would go right into the cubicle and not look at her, that their gaze wouldn't linger long enough to see. But by the time Rachel did snap to her sense senses and yank the material back over her body, it was far too late. She knew by the hand that covered Quinn's silently gaping mouth that she had seen.

As quickly as she could, Rachel dashed into the nearest cubicle, knowing Quinn couldn't follow her there, and bolted the door, slamming it much harder than necessary.

One bell rung. Then another. And another. Still Rachel did not come out of the cubicle. She had missed Trig and probably Biology by now as well. It would be time for Glee Club after English, and as much as her dread mounted at the thought of seeing Quinn, Rachel knew she would go. Glee was the one place she felt at least sort of accepted, even if everyone did ignore it as Santana and Quinn shot her down time and time again.

With enormous effort, Rachel pushed herself up off the loo seat and unbolted the door, squirming uncomfortably when her sticky t-shirt clasped at her skin. If she hadn't been looking down to avoid the sight of herself in the mirror, she would not have spotted it. Even when she did, she couldn't quite believe it. It must have been a mistake, left there by accident. But even though the truth was even more confusing, Rachel could not see how Quinn would accidentally leave behind her own spare top, when she had not even been covered in slushie when she had walked into the bathroom.

…

_Come on, _Rachel snapped to herself. _It's not a hard dance, everyone else can do it. _She forced herself to carry on, fighting against he aching bones that were begging her to stop, sit down, take a break and never get back up again, but she had miles to go yet. Literally, the run to town stretched over five kilometres, and on the way home she would be carrying the scales. Her car was where she had left it that morning, parked on the driveway. She never drove anymore. Running was better. Running burnt away the calories.

Then Mr Schue was speaking, ordering them to take five and Rachel had never been more relieved in all of her lie. She stopped, she finally stopped and allowed her exhausted body to rest. Or at least she would if she could get to a chair, but it suddenly looked so far away, like more energy would be required to get to it than Rachel had.

What was wrong with her? It was just some dancing, not a long hard workout. It was nothing compared to what she was used to. So why wouldn't the blood pounding in her ears quieten down? Why wouldn't the room remain still? Why did she suddenly feel so weak? Too weak to hold herself up, Rachel realised as her legs shook underneath her. The others were beginning to give her strange looks, probably scornful at how pathetic she was, exhausted after half an hour of dancing. The room would not stay still.

"What's wrong with you, man hands?" Snapped Santana without a hint of concern, but Rachel barely heard her. It was getting hard to hear anything through the roaring. There were more voices, but they all sounded like they were as far away as the chair seemed that she longed to collapse into. They were slowly fading, becoming nothing but background noise as the world became a hazy...distant...blur...

"Rachel? Rachel!"

_That's my name. _

"Rach?"

_And Finn's voice._

"Talk to me."

_I can't. It's too hard. _

"Open your eyes."

_No. _

Fingers pressed into her neck, feeling for the steady beat of a pulse. It was annoying, and Rachel wanted to shrug them off so she could sleep in peace, but she didn't have the energy.

"Do you think we should call an ambulance?"

Panic overtook, almost strangling her where she lay. If she went to the hospital, they'd know what she had been doing, they'd make her eat and then sit around and do nothing so the calories turned into fat, collecting onto her body and making her look even more disgusting than she already was. She couldn't put on more weight. She _couldn't. _

So with enormous effort, Rachel forced open her eyes. The first thing she saw was Finn's worried looking face, which immediately broke into an expression of relief. The roaring in her head had finally stopped, and without it, the room seemed eerily quiet and to her even greater relief, the room was no longer spinning. It was still, at the angle it should be. But one thing that hadn't disappeared was the tiredness. The bone aching exhaustion that had set in long before Rachel had begun to dance.

"Are you okay?" Finn's hand was on her shoulder, bolting her to the floor, and Rachel made no effort to push him away. Getting up seemed like all the effort in the world, and she would have quite happily gone to sleep there and then, but if she was going to convince everyone she was all right, she'd have to act the part.

"I think so," she told him, cursing herself for her weak sounding voice. Rachel struggled into a sitting position, with the help of Finn's arm around her shoulders and leaned against him for support, suddenly aware of the eyes of the whole of the Glee Club on her. She squirmed uncomfortably, for once not wanting to be the centre of attention.

"Okay guys, I think we'll leave it there for today. Everyone clear out, she doesn't need an audience." Rachel felt a rush of gratitude towards her teacher, eager to get back on her feet and have the whole incident forgotten about, which would have been so much harder with everyone's stares on her. Especially Quinn's. Oh God, Quinn's. Had she said anything about the bathroom? What if she'd told everyone? Surely then they'd put two and two together?

Reluctantly, everyone began to file out of the room, some shooting Rachel smiles, Puck merely nodding and Santana ignoring her. Then Finn was helping her to her feet, slowly and carefully, leading her to the chairs that had seemed so far away minutes ago. He sat down beside her and for the first time, Rachel was grateful for her height which allowed her to lean against his shoulder, easily.

"Rachel, what happened?" Asked Mr Schue, his voice sincere and laced with concern. Rachel twisted her hands in her lap, suddenly nervous. What did she tell them? She couldn't tell them the truth, how weak would think think her if she couldn't even deal with a half hour dance routine? And it wasn't as if it was the first time they'd done something like that in Glee. She opened her mouth, struggling to come up with something that sounded believable. In the end, she decided to go for at least part of the truth.

"I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, and this afternoon, I didn't have time for lunch. I got slushied twice this morning and spent my lunch hour in the bathroom trying to clean the ice off my change of clothes as I had no others on me. Quinn lent me her spare clothes in the end, but then the bell went and I came here, tired and hungry and I guess it just all got the better of me. I'm sure after an evening of re-watching Funny Girl with a bowl of popcorn and a good eight hours sleep, I'll be all right again."

She shot them her confident, winning smile that had always convinced people in the past that she was the bright, bubbly girl they all thought her to be. The one who looked past everyone's comments and despite them all, had a confidence in herself that they all ridiculed. The smile that was just one more lie to add to the endless list.

Mr Schue looked relieved, for not one moment doubting her story. He knew Rachel was a sensible girl, she almost always did as she was told and she wouldn't have deliberately skipped out on lunch, not if she knew she had a dance rehearsal after school. It was that sort of thing that would get in the way of her career and if Mr Schue knew Rachel as well as he thought he did, he knew that was one thing she would never risk. Not for anything.

…

Three days later, and Rachel felt no better. She had managed to get through the school days, and even the dance rehearsals at Glee without any more dramas, but workouts were getting harder by the day. They had always been exhausting, but now they felt like something else entirely. So much, that it was hard to carry on, but one look at her mirror was enough to give her the final burst of energy she needed to finish. Not only did she see herself but she saw all the negative words that had ever been used to describe her, scrawled across the glass in thick eye liner. She had put them there after the first time she gave up to remind herself of why she never could.

It took Rachel a while to realise the ringing sound she could hear was the school bell, and not just inside her own head. The bell. That meant it was time for Glee. She tried to summon the enthusiasm she had once felt for the club, but it wouldn't come. Of course, she still loved to perform. If it came with an energetic dance routine that would help her burn whatever tiny salad or half a piece of fruit she had eaten for lunch.

Slowly, Rachel began to trail to the choir room, managing a slight smile at the thought of spending it with Finn. He was sweet to her, even if she could never match up to his ex. He never told her that, and she knew he never would. It was Santana and Quinn who sent her that message. Flaunting their perfect looks in front of her, putting her down in the process, calling her all the cruel names they could think of so she believed she was so much less than perfect.

Rachel took one look at Santana's scowl as she entered the choir room and knew she was in trouble. The expression wasn't directed at her, but she knew the ex cheerleader would find a way to make whatever was bothering her Rachel's fault, or at least take it out on her anyway. It was what she always did.

Just as she expected, Santana shot Rachel a glare before she had even taken a seat. "What are you looking at man hands?" she snapped. Rachel turned her head away and sat down, trying to ignore her. The insult was old and should have washed over her, but it didn't.

She smiled at Finn, the grin more bright than she felt, who returned it, hesitantly, as if he were afraid Santana would call him out for daring to show any sort of affection for her. "You okay?" He asked her as she settled into her chair. He had taken to doing that over the past dew days. He'd check up on her at random moments, as if trying to slip her up. Rachel knew he was still worried about the way she had passed out in Glee, he hadn't been entirely convinced by her story.

"I'm fine," she assured him with another of her winning smiles for added conviction. Her heart sank at his immediate belief, a part of her wanting him to ask her again, to make her look him in the eye and tell him that, because then she knew she could not lie. Lying to Finn was bad enough when she could keep her eyes away from him, she would never be able to do it if she was forced to look right into his warm eyes that used to make her feel so safe.

Without thinking about it, Rachel took Finn's hand in hers, locking their fingers together. She felt his hand curl around hers in return, and for the first time in days, managed a real smile. She might not be beautiful like the others he had dated, but he seemed to genuinely want her. A flicker of happiness lit itself inside her, warming her insides in a way she hadn't felt for as long as she could remember.

But of course, Santana spoiled it all. "Do you think by holding his hand you're going to make him anymore yours Rupaul?" She snipped, and Rachel stiffened, but said nothing. She didn't even turn around.

"Lay off Santana," Finn said, awkwardly. He had never been good with confrontations, but Rachel still felt a rush of gratitude that he was trying. For her.

"You weren't so keen for me to do that last year, or have you forgotten?" She taunted, and then it was Finn's turn to stiffen. He had kept her quiet about what they had done up until now, but even he could tell Santana was in a foul mood. One that wouldn't have been helped by him snapping at her.

"I wonder if your hobbit knows what went down between us."

Rachel's head snapped around to face her tormentor, curiosity getting the better of her. "What are you talking about Santana?" She snapped at her, glaring at her as if that could rewind what she dreaded hearing so it would never have happened.

"Oh you mean he never told you? Your boyfriend and I, we totally got it on that night. So you can clutch at his hand as much as you want if it makes you feel better about the pathetic little dream you have in your head where he actually wants you, but we both know it's me who has what you never can and let's face it stubbles, I'm much hotter than you. Everyone is."

It was at that moment Mr Schue chose to finally stroll into the room, calling out to them all to settle down as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and Rachel could do nothing but follow his instructions, turning away from Santana as if they had exchanged no more than a chat about the weather, her hand falling from Finn's.

...

Rachel let out a scream of fury, mingled with hurt at she flung the first object to hand at her mirror, the reflection inside it becoming too much to bear. The straightening irons hit the glass with a loud thunk, a huge crack appearing, long and jagged across the middle inches of the mirror, distorting Rachel's figure so she herself looked torn in half. Broken.

The one action unleashed a new kind of anger, one she had never felt before that pulsed through her veins making her want to fling everything in her room, trash every last thing until there was nothing but destruction around her. She wasn't mad with Finn, she wasn't even mad with Santana. It was herself she was furious with. She had pushed him into her arms. She was the one who wasn't pretty enough, _skinny enough _to be his girl.

A desperation took over her, an overwhelming urge to get rid of every last bit of the fat that clung to her, right there and then. It had to go, it had to, it had to. It disgusted her every moment it was there, _she _disgusted her. She disgusted Finn too. He'd slept with Santana when he was too ashamed to so much as go on a date with her. But it wouldn't always be like that. He'd think she was pretty too if she were thinner.

Rachel forced her body up using her arms, again and again, all the while Finn's voice encouraging her inside her head. _She's super hot. She's super hot. Super hot. Hot. Hot. HOT. _It was like a stuck record, repeating the words that had torn through her like a barbed wire fence over and over again. He had never said that about her. Not once. The words were followed by his laughter. The laughter at Santana's comment about the way she dressed.

Over and over again she forced herself up, pushing and pushing until she was sure her body quite literally couldn't take it anymore. But she made it. She had to. She did push up after push up, squeezing her eyes shut against the voices that swirled around and around in her head. _Super hot. Laughter. Man hands. Rupaul. Stubbles. Hobbit. Willow. _And then came the song. Music that had always been her friend, but now turned against her. Just one lyric, repeating itself over and over, an enemy taken out of context. _So damn unpretty. _

_.._

Two weeks. Fourteen days. 336 hours. 20,160 minutes. However you wanted to count it, the days had passed in a blur. One merging into the other in a haze of calories, counting each one that went into her mouth, exercise, day after day, hour after hour in every spare moment. Straight home after Glee, hours free to do all the workout she needed before collapsing into bed, exhausted, her homework forgotten and neglected.

In those two weeks, she had barely spoken to Finn. Not because she was angry with him, but because she didn't have the time. Not anymore. She needed to be good for him, when she was that, she could see him again, properly. They could go on dates like they used to and he could be proud to call her his girlfriend. She wouldn't have to drag him down anymore, and then maybe he'd call her super hot too.

The smile was important. Her confident smile that she couldn't get through the day without. Because then they'd know something was wrong, they'd sense it and they'd stop her. They couldn't stop her. Not yet. Not until she was perfect.

**I don't know whether to keep it like that, or write some more when I should be taking notes in sociology. It depends what people who read want, and if I feel like working in my next sociology lesson. **

**Please review :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank-you to all those who reviewed, favourited and alerted the first chapter, it really means a lot to me when people do that, even when it's just a favourite because then at least I know they read and enjoyed the story, although a review with it really makes my day :-)**

**I think this is going to end up a 5 parter. **

"Finn!" He felt fingers curl around his arm as someone called his name, stopping him in his tracks as he went to leave Glee Club. Without having to turn around, he recognised Quinn's voice, and although he would never admit it, not even to himself, her touch. Finn felt a twinge of annoyance which grew into anger as he watched Rachel rush out of the choir room before he could catch her, her name falling back down his throat as he realised he was too late, but whether the anger was directed at her or Quinn, he didn't know.

"What do you want?" Finn snapped, but regretted it when he saw Quinn flinch. He did his best to soften his expression, quenching his annoyance at how Rachel had once again avoided him.

"How's Rachel?"

It was such an unexpected question, that Finn did not immediately answer. He started at his ex as if she had sprouted a third head. He could see there was something she wasn't telling him. She wouldn't look at him, afraid he would see the same guilty look she had worn all the time she was pregnant with Beth, even after she had stopped lying to him.

"I don't know Quinn, she's barely spoken to me in weeks and since when have you cared about her anyway?"

Quinn opened her mouth, hesitantly, almost as if she were afraid to speak ad Finn felt another wave of annoyance. The choir room had cleared out by then and it was just the two of them, but Santana had been the last to leave and he knew she wouldn't hesitate in using it to create yet more problems between him and Rachel.

"I know Rachel and I aren't exactly friends, which is why I've come to you rather than confronting her."

"Confronting her, what are you talking about? Is this something I should be getting? Am I just being dumb?"

Quinn wanted to say yes, she couldn't understand how Rachel's boyfriend of the last six months couldn't have noticed something was very wrong. Even someone as idiotic as him must have seen how much weight she had lost, he may not be intelligent, but he had eyes. But getting into a full scale argument, although it would make her feel better, wasn't going to make the situation any easier. The conversation was strange enough as it was, Finn was right, since when did she give a toss about Treasure Trail?

"She's lost weight Finn," snapped Quinn, unable to keep the frustration out of her tone.

Finn frowned. "She has? I mean, I know she has, I guess I've noticed she's thinner now, but what does that have to do with anything?"

Quinn battled with the urge to strangle him.

"She's lost too much weight. You can see her bones, Finn! I walked in on her changing a few weeks ago, the same day she fainted in Glee rehearsal. Did one part of your tiny brain not think that was strange?"

"Well yeah, but she said she was just tired."

"Of course that's what she said! That's what they all say, 'I'm tired', 'I had a big breakfast', 'I'm just trying to get in shape', 'I'm eating with my family later'!" Quinn cried, exasperated.

"All what?"

"Anorexics!"

Finn was instantly stunned into silence. His mind barely registered what Quinn had said, what it meant. All he knew was that wasn't Rachel, she wasn't one of those girls, obsessed with her body, going through wild lengths to be 'pretty'. She was far too focused on her dreams to let anything steer her away from her path to be a star. And anyway, she had him. She didn't need to impress anyone or win a guy over, she already had someone who thought she was perfect as she was. Finn had been her boyfriend for months, she knew he thought she was beautiful. She must have done.

Before he could stop himself, Finn was laughing. A disbelieving chuckle that set Quinn's face into a hard death stare. He stopped immediately, but Quinn's anger did not lessen. She fixed him with a cold withering glare that reminded him of all the months he had tried so desperately to provide for Beth but nothing had ever been good enough. It was not the first time he had received that glare from his ex over Rachel, but it was the first time Quinn had defended her, and it was that which scared Finn.

"Don't be nuts," he said, awkwardly, wishing to be anywhere that was away from Quinn's stare. "Rachel's not- I mean, yeah, she's lost weight, but that's it. It's just one of those crazy diets you girls are always on." If it was even possible, Quinn looked even more murderous. Her eyes narrowed, and Finn noticed her fists clench by her sides. He backed away, afraid she was actually going to attack him and with her being both a girl and his ex, he wouldn't be able to do a thing to defend himself.

"Are you really so stupid that you can't see how far beyond that it's gone? You're meant to be her boyfriend, don't you ever hug her? Watch movies with your arm around her? Have make out sessions? You must have felt how thin she's getting. I've seen her losing weight, but I never knew just how much until I saw her that day in the bathroom, then she passed out in Glee and it was obvious something was very wrong. I've been watching her these past weeks, she doesn't eat anything. The most I've seen her have for lunch is a small salad! A salad Finn! And most of the time it's nothing at all, that's not normal!"

Finn shook his head, fighting back another laugh, but that time it was nervous, something in the place of words because he didn't know what else to say. Quinn was overreacting, he was sure of that. When she was angry, she was almost as much of a drama queen as Rachel. Perhaps Rachel was on a diet she had taken a little too far, but it was reversible. He'd talk to her, tell her she was perfect just as she was, she wasn't sick, just insecure. He would have a word with her and then she would be just fine. Fine.

"I'll talk to her Quinn, take her out for dinner or something, keep an eye on her."

Quinn shook her head, and Finn was shocked to see there were tears in her eyes. He felt as if his ex had been given a personality transplant overnight. Quinn didn't worry about Rachel, she didn't like her and she especially didn't cry over her. It was enough to get him worried and listen to what she was saying. He'd doubted her before, and although he still thought she was overreacting, her tears were enough to scare him. But it was her next words that really did it. Not just the words, but the crack in her voice as she spoke, the defeat.

"I don't think that's enough, Finn. It's too late."

..

The plastic bag swung in Finn's hand as he raised his other one to knock on Rachel's door with a determination he hadn't felt since trying to win her from Jesse. He was going to cook her a meal (or burn her one) and watch while she ate it. Then he was going to spend the evening with her, tell her all the things he should have been telling her for months. He was going to make her feel beautiful again.

The front door swung open, and Finn got his first proper look at Rachel in weeks. Of course he had seen her during class, Glee, lunch times and after school. Most weekends even. But he hadn't really _looked _at her. Now he did and he saw what Quinn was trying to tell him. It was clear Rachel had lost weight. A lot of weight. Her clothes were loose on her tiny body, material sliding off her shoulders and hanging around her waist as if there was nothing but air underneath it. Her face was different too; thinner, gaunt, pale. Finn could see the slants of her cheekbones, her collar bone producing from her beneath her top. Even her hair looked different, hanging in loose, lank strands around her bones. Bones that he should not be able to see.

Finn blinked, trying to make her Rachel again and not this tiny shell he was seeing now. Rachel with her full face, her curves, her thick, dark curls and her light tan skin. But the girl in front of him wasn't changing. Now that he had seen it, he couldn't pull the rose tinted glasses back over his eyes, stopping himself from seeing what was so very obvious.

Finn forced a smile onto his face, not wanting her to know he knew something was wrong. He wanted to see just how wrong things were before he confronted her about it, and the first step was getting her to eat. He wouldn't pressure her or make a big deal of it, simply announce he was going to cook for her as if he did it every day. Perhaps there was nothing wrong with her eating. Maybe she was thin because she was upset about something else, and had been neglecting food.

"Hey," he greeted, cheerfully, as if he had noticed nothing more than he usually did, and Rachel's face lit up in return. Finn grinned for real at that. She still had that winning smile he loved so much, and it made her entire face look different. Less drained, more full and her eyes sparked again with that familiar gleam that used to be permanent.

"I love you," he said, surprising even himself. He hadn't intended to say it, but that one small gesture from her had reminded Finn of how much he really did care about her. He just hoped Quinn was wrong. He wanted it so much just to be a diet that had got slightly out of hand, been exaggerated in his ex's mind. Something that could be sorted in the same way he usually sorted out his problems with her, by talking to her, singing to her even.

Rachel smiled again, wider than she had done before and kissed Finn on the lips. She had to stand on her tip toes to do it, making her seem more vunerable than ever. Finn put his arms around her waist and returned the kiss, deepening it when he felt his desire grow. He moved his hands, playing with the ends of her hair as they pulled out of the kiss.

"What was that for?" He murmured, his hold on her still tight. He could feel her bones.

She smiled. "I just really love you too."

…

Half an hour later and Finn sat with Rachel on the couch. He had put her favourite movie, _Funny Girl _on in the background to distract her from the fact she was eating and made the odd comment through the movie for an excuse for his eyes to flick to her, checking if she was eating it. Much to his surprise and delight, she was. Slowly, bite by tiny bite, and admittedly it was only a vegan friendly potato salad as a mixture of her usual diet and Finn's cooking skills had restricted him greatly, but the point was she was eating it. Maybe he had been right, perhaps Quinn was exaggerating.

Rachel knew Finn was watching her. She knew when his eyes travelled to her face, he was really casting glances down at her plate to see how much she had eaten. She had been suspicious of him when he had showed up on her doorstep. They hadn't arranged to spend the evening together, although her dads were working late and she would have liked the company, she didn't want to be the annoying clingy girlfriend. Rachel's suspicions had grown when Finn had announced he was making her dinner. He never made her dinner. Finn was a boy, he was nothing like his step brother, he never cooked full stop.

So from the start, Rachel had known he was up to something, but had waited, not wanting to confront him and blow her own cover. When he had walked out of the kitchen with the potato salad, she had wanted to knock it right out of his hands, run from the temptation, but that would have only confirmed what he already suspected. So Rachel had plastered on her best show face and pretended to be thrilled that he had cooked for her. She had smiled and kissed him, taking the food as if it were a welcome addition rather than an enemy.

It had taken her a while to build up the courage to take the first bite, but after reassuring herself that she could always burn it off when he was gone, or better yet get rid of it even more quickly, she had eventually began to eat. Each mouthful felt like a betrayal to her body and she could feel the calories, the fat, creeping onto her with each bite she took. A guilt settled inside her stomach along with the heavy weight of the food and Rachel wanted to rush right out of the door and run until it was all gone again, but Finn was still watching her. He expected it gone.

_Just one meal, _she told herself. _Just this one, small meal and it will throw him off track. He obviously suspects something, you must be more careful in future. Wear clothes that are less likely to show your figure, you don't want anyone seeing how disgusting you are anyway, and be sure to eat the in front of him. Just an apple, or a small salad. He doesn't need to know it will be your only food of the day. _

Finally, after almost an hour, Rachel's plate was clean and Finn looked satisfied. She smiled and leaned closer into him and he draped his arm over her shoulders. He couldn't ignore the feel of her shoulder blade digging sharply into his arm.

"Rach, what's the matter?" He asked, bluntly. It was clear there was something up, and he didn't care if it took all night, he was going to get it out of her. He wasn't leaving until she had opened up to him. It wasn't like her to keep her feelings hidden, and to lose the amount of weight she had, there had to be something bothering her. Something literally eating away at her.

Rachel sighed slightly. She had been expecting the question, as it was clear from the looks Finn had been shooting her all night that he knew something was wrong, but she couldn't tell him the truth. She could lie and say she was fine, convince him it was all in his head, but the he was likely to keep a close eye on her, she couldn't fob him off forever. But if she made something up, spun him a story and promised to take better care of herself, he'd relax. He might bug her for a couple of weeks, but she'd be sure to eat in front of him and he'd leave her alone. She hoped.

"It's my dads," she invented. Even as the words left her mouth, she had no idea where she was going with them. "They've always worked a lot, but they've been working later and later and it just gets lonely in a huge house all on my own. This is meant for a family, not a lone person. Sometimes, when they aren't here, I put on a movie or practice my singing and just get so absorbed in it that I forget to make myself dinner without them around to remind me."

Finn relaxed, feeling guilty for his relief. He felt a pang that Rachel was clearly hurting, but it wasn't almost as bad as he had thought, and nothing like Quinn had made it out to be. He bent over and kissed the crown of her head, squeezing her gently. "You won't have to be alone, just give me a call if your dads are working late and I'll come over."

Rachel instantly cursed herself for not considering that he would make that offer. If Finn was there, she wouldn't be able to workout. All the fat would linger on her body with no place else to go. "It's fine Finn, thank you for the offer, I appreciate it, but they've just been working on something big for work and now it's almost over they'll be back to their normal hours again. This will only carry on for a few more nights. I can manage by myself, I wouldn't want to put you out, you have your own family to socialise with and football practice on top of Glee most nights. Don't worry about me, I will be all right on my own as long as I have Barbara and my musical collection to back her up."

Rachel forced herself to be quite, recognising that she was rambling again. A bad habit she had to break out of. She plastered on her show face, maintaining the mask of confidence so Finn wouldn't suspect she was lying.

A sudden thought struck Finn. "Hey, you're not still mad with me about the whole Santana thing are you? It's just, you don't want me coming here and I thought we'd worked that out, at least, I did as of tonight when you let me in rather than slamming the door in my face."

Rachel smiled a genuine smile, Finn could ramble almost as much as she did when he was nervous. "No, I'm not still angry with you. As hurt as I was by your antics and despite you adding more salt to the wound by called her hot in front of me, I have fully forgiven you for that incident." _I just haven't forgiven myself. _

Finn relaxed again and Rachel smiled, resting her head on his shoulder. They both turned back to the movie, the suspicion and tension gone, but where Rachel should have felt relief, she only felt the cold weight of loneliness. Her insides twisted painfully with guilt as Finn's arm tightened protectively around her, knowing that she had pushed out the one person who truly cared about her. The victory was hers, but she wasn't a winner.

**If you review, something magical will happen. **


	3. Chapter 3

**In advance, do excuse any bad Spanish. I have never had a single lesson in my life, and google translate was my main tool in this. **

**Thank-you everyone for the repsonse to the past two chapters, I really love getting other people's feedback so I know I'm not doing this all wrong. **

A loud, unexpected thud jerked Rachel out of her slumber, her eyes snapping open as she sat up as quickly as if someone had thrown a slushie over her head and immediately regretted it. Her head spun violently and the classroom lurched in front of her, one item merging into another. She blinked hard and pressed her palm into her forehead to calm the movement, but all that seemed to do was make her head throb.

There was a large folder on her desk that hadn't been there at the beginning of the lesson. Curious, Rachel moved her head slowly, looking up at her annoyed looking Spanish teacher. Mr Schue's eyebrows were raised, whether it was in irritation or surprise, Rachel wasn't sure. "Rachel," he announced. "Perhaps you'd like to tell me?" _Tell him what? _She felt as if her mind had been wiped blank as her teacher continued to gaze down at her, waiting for her answer.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?" Rachel asked, trying to keep the usual air of confidence in her voice. Mr Schue's gaze stayed on her for several more seconds, and Rachel could almost feel herself shrinking under his stare. She wished she was somewhere, anywhere else. It wasn't as if she wasn't used to humiliation, she faced it on a daily basis, but one thing she wasn't used to was being clueless. She always knew the answer. A teacher was yet to set her a piece of work she could not do and for that, they expected things of her. She expected it of herself.

"Repitiendo la pregunta, Rachel, no va a ayudar. Lo que sería útil es que si usted escuchó en el primer lugar."

Rachel blinked at him, not having a clue what he just said. The words sounded familiar to her, but she couldn't process them in her mind to figure out what they meant. It was like a mist had leaked into her brain, making it impossible to concentrate, or even keep her eyes open properly. They fluttered again, but Rachel forced them open, still staring blankly at Mr Schue. He sighed.

"See me after class." He sounded disappointed, using the same horrible tone she had heard him use on so few occasions. Rachel could count on one hand the amount of times she had heard it, and not once was it directed purely at her. She felt her heart sink, crushed under the weight of his disappointment. People didn't often like her, in fact, most of her peers hated her, but it was rare an authority figure spoke to her like that. Rachel prided herself on her intelligence. She was clever, she got good grades. It was one of the only things she was good for.

For the remainder of the lesson, Rachel tried to stay focused. She did her best to tune into Mr Schue's voice, process his words and actually make some meaning out of them, but everything he said just spun around in her head, the words tangling into one another and making no sense, not even when he spoke in English. She was so tired that her eyes kept closing of their own free will, her head sinking closer and closer to the desk until she forced her eyes open again and fixed her gaze firmly to the front of the classroom.

Finally, the sound of the bell echoed through the classroom walls, signalling the end of the lesson, and Rachel was almost glad she had been asked to stay behind. She wasn't sure she had the energy to pack up her bag and leave. Mr Schue waited until the last student was out of the room before approaching her desk and Rachel dropped her gaze to the desk, avoiding the flash of disappoint she was sure to see in his eyes.

But instead of leaning on her desk, towering over her so he could bawl her out, he pulled up a chair beside her.

"What's the matter with you Rachel?" He said, but not unkindly. He didn't shout at her like she had been expecting. He sounded concerned. She inwardly sighed; there was nothing to be concerned about, she was fine. Why was everyone always on her back? First Finn, he still hadn't dropped the subject of her weight loss. Rachel had managed to fob him off by eating whatever small amount she would allow herself during the day in front of him, but he was still edge about it.

"It's not like you to fall asleep in class and not listen to a word I'm saying," Mr Schue continued, oblivious to Rachel's thought pattern. "You're not yourself in Glee, ever since you collapsed that day, you're not as energetic as you used to be. I think you should see a doctor."

Rachel shook her head, a smile already plastered on her show face. "I already did Mr Schue," she lied. "My dads took me after I fell asleep over dinner. My doctor said it was simply down to stress. Mid-terms are coming up and I've been doing a lot of studying. I was given some pills to help me sleep, but I guess they're just working too well." Even Rachel was impressed with the lie. Not only was her story believable, but she'd delivered it with conviction and confidence. Nothing in her tone that would give away the truth.

Mr Schue returned her smile, satisfied by the story. It didn't cross his mind for one moment that she was lying, Rachel may be a lot of things, but she was always truthful and if there was something bothering her, she'd tell someone immediately. There was no doubt in him that she would have mentioned something that was wrong after prompting. It made sense, a lot of students were tired and stressed coming up to exam season. He was just relieved that was all it was.

"I'm glad that you're okay Rachel, but if there ever was anything wrong, you know you can tell me." It was not a question but a statement. He fully expected Rachel to be aware that she could talk to him, but she wasn't. He may not have been the one to give out the insults, the rejection, the heartbreak that had led her to become what she was, but he had never tried to stop any of it either. He had taken a back seat whenever the members of the Glee Club were taunting her, turning a blind eye to what went on right in front of his eyes.

But of course, Rachel could never tell him that. "Of course Mr Schue, thank-you for your concern," said Rachel in her typical formal fashion. She pushed back her chair and slung her bag over her shoulder, struggling not to show the amount of effort that simple action cost her. By the time she left the room just moments later after exchanging goodbyes with her teacher, he had already started to forget his concerns, and Rachel was beginning to wonder when she had become such a good liar.

…

The sun had barely risen in the sky, the birds just beginning to sing their annoying tune to signal the early hours of the morning, the air still held the calm peace of morning when it was too early for anyone to be awake and on the roads, but Rachel was already running. She had woken up at half past four that morning to get an extra run in before school as well as her usual morning workout.

Finn had been at her house the previous night, he had insisted on cooking her a meal again, and Rachel could tell he was still suspicious about what she was eating when he wasn't there, so she had forced herself to eat it, pushing it down forkful after forkful and cursing her lack of gag reflex. As soon as he had gone she had been burning off the calories and set an alarm an hour and half earlier than she usually got up so she could spend it shedding the extra calorie intake.

Both the lack of sleep and heavy exercise regime were taking their toll as she ran, Rachel could feel the burning in her chest and throat, an ache that had turned into an agonising pain. A pain that she enjoyed. It meant the weight was coming off her, the calories were disappearing, as long as she kept going, it would be all right, she wouldn't put on any weight from the meal the previous night. The burning, the ache in her stomach, the nausea rising inside her made her feel skinny. They made her feel like she was winning against her body and she was not about to cave to its demands.

It was past six by the time Rachel finally allowed herself to stop, and she had been running for over an hour. She stopped not because she wanted to, but because she physically could not go on any longer. As soon as she did, she dropped to her hands and knees, too exhausted to hold herself up and immediately began a violent coughing fit, retching, but there was nothing in her stomach to throw up. Even the food from the previous evening was gone.

Weakly, Rachel leaned against the railings beside her, closing her eyes for just a moment. The world was spinning again, something she had yet to grow used to. When she opened them again a pair of legs stood in front of her. She waited for the person to walk away, but they didn't move. She didn't have the energy to look up and face the stranger.

"Rachel?" Her head snapped up suddenly; that was no stranger's voice. With a jolt of pain that had nothing to do with her exhaustion, Rachel found herself staring up into the face of her mother, who was looking at her as if she were something unpleasant that she had found on the street and felt the need to get rid of before anyone else could come across it. Or perhaps that was just her imagination.

Rachel struggled to pull herself up using the iron bars, still clutching them tightly when she was upright and leaning on them for extra support. She did not yet trust herself to hold herself up, and the last thing she needed to do was make a fool of herself in front of the mother who already thought she wasn't worth it.

As soon as she was stood, Shelby's eyes fell onto her daughter, staring her up and down in what was intended to be a brief glance, but soon turned into a long stare. Once she had set eyes on her daughter's body, she couldn't take them away again. When she had last seen Rachel, the girl was not fat, not even close, but she had curves, a slightly rounded face. But now, all of that was gone. It seemed that all of _Rachel _was gone and all that was left was a pile of bones with some skin draped over it and features thrown in to give some appearance of a human being.

Shelby barely even realised she was staring until Rachel crossed her arms over her stomach and cleared her throat, her eyes fixed on her mother in a cold glare. Her curiosity had quickly melted into annoyance at the woman she had longed for all of her life, and especially in the last months was finally there just when Rachel least wanted her. She was hot, she was sweaty, she was exhausted and most of all, she was not covered. She was wearing her running clothes that did nothing to cover her figure. No wonder her mother was staring at her like that. She looked utterly disgusted.

"Rachel..." Shelby's voice trailed away, the words dying on her lips. She wanted to ask what happened, demand to know what on _earth _her daughter had done to herself, but as much as it shocked her to see it, she knew it was nothing to do with her. She had given the girl up sixteen years ago, and then again last year and nothing that happened in Rachel's life was any longer anything to do with Shelby. It never had been.

She forced down the maternal feelings, the pull dragging her towards the option of pulling the tiny girl into a hug and refusing to let go until she had told her everything and instead cleared her throat, trying to cover up that she had started to say anything at all. But Rachel seemed to be waiting for her to say something, she was still leaning against the fence, watching her mother intently, as if she was attempting to burn her under a glare.

"What are you doing out here?" She settled for. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, she had just found her near collapsed in the gutter at quarter past six in the morning when she should have still been in bed, or at the very most just rolling out of it.

"Running," said Rachel, shortly, as if it should have been the most obvious thing in the world. Her voice was not unkind, or even angry, in fact, it did not match up with her expression at all, but it held none of the warmth that she had used when she had tried in vain to convince Shelby to co direct the New Directions. It was just...emotionless. That was the only word for it.

If anyone else had spoken to her like that she would have been on their case as hard as a dumb bell for rudeness, but with Rachel, it seemed justified. She was the one who had caused the relationship that broke her daughter's heart, she was the one who had gone through such lengths to meet her only to reject her over and over again. She was the one who had dismissed her only biological child like an unwanted parcel.

"I can see that," said Shelby with one raised eyebrow as she took in her daughter's clothes and frame, shaking with pure exhaustion. "How long have you been running for?"

Rachel shrugged. "Around an hour. I don't know, I lose track of time rather quickly when I run. It's peaceful at this time of the morning, I often find. No one else is around, I don't get caught up in small talk with strangers."

Shelby narrowed her eyes at the comment, wondering if it had been a deliberate dig, but Rachel's facial expression had not changed in the slightest.

"That's a long time to run," she observed, her concerns growing stronger by the moment. She wondered if anyone else had noticed the change in her daughter. They had to have done, surely. Those who saw her, spoke to her, everyday could not possible fail to notice something Shelby had picked up on within thirty seconds of meeting Rachel again.

"You've lost a lot of weight," she added after a long pause, finally getting a reaction out of Rachel. She had expected Rachel to be defensive, or simply dismiss her mother's concerns and tell her she was simply watching what she was eating, trying to maintain a healthy weight to be a good dancer. What she was not expecting was for her to look utterly delighted.

Quickly, Rachel tried to disguise her happiness at what she saw as a compliment, but the smile lingered on her lips, a disturbing reminder of the decline Shelby could see in what had once been a happy, confident girl with dreams bigger then the whole of Ohio.

"Not really," she argued, with a shake of her head. "Not enough, not yet. Please excuse me, I'm going to be late for school if I don't get home soon." And with that dismissal, she pushed herself away from the railings and jogged away in the opposite direction and Shelby watched until her daughter was out of sight, afraid that her fragile body would give underneath her, poised and ready to run to her if she fell.

..

Only in the event of a nuclear bomb that wiped out the entire earth other than the two of them did Rachel ever think Quinn would voluntarily talk to her without insulting her, but she seemed to be preparing for such a case. At least, that was the only explanation Rachel could think of when Quinn called her back as she went to leave Glee rehearsal and it was not only her head that turned. Mercedes and Kurt exchanged wary raised eyebrows and Santana shot Quinn a withering look as if warning her not to do it.

Although she was tempted to run and save the inevitable verbal beating for later, Rachel's curiosity got the better of her and she stopped before she had reached the door, turning to face the pretty blonde girl who she had always been so jealous of. Even now, Rachel ached to look at her. She was so perfect, a figure to die for. She had the slim frame that Rachel continued to fight so hard for, the extra inches she longed for and the hair that she often imagined Finn's hands running through.

Quinn waited, not wanting to say anything until their audience had disappeared, just one glare from her sending the message loud and clear, even to Finn who had been lingering in the doorway, waiting for his signal to stay. As soon as everyone had left, Quinn rounded on Rachel, glaring at her in the familiar way that although hurt by, Rachel knew well.

"What are you doing?" She snapped, her eyes narrowing dangerously in a way that would have had Fin tripping over his feet to obey to her every command. Used to Quinn's temper, Rachel did not have the same reaction and simply started at the blonde girl, curiously, waiting for her to continue. "Are you trying to starve yourself to death? I know a diet when I see one, I've been on plenty myself on the demand of Coach Silvester, and believe me, her plans are gruelling, but they're nothing like you're putting yourself through. I'm not blind Rachel, I can see you're starving yourself and you're getting way too thin."

Whatever Rachel was expecting, it was not this. Although she was not exactly speaking to her warmly, Rachel could see the fear behind Quinn's eyes, the concern that she could only show through angry words. And it was the cold fury that she couldn't fight with. Finn's gentle concern had been easy to brush off, all she had to do was eat a few meals in front of him and he was convinced, but Quinn didn't just suspect, she _knew, _and it was going to take way more than a few well rehearsed words to convince her she was fine.

"You may have fooled Finn into thinking there's nothing wrong with you, but I'm not as stupid as he is, he's so desperate to believe you're okay he'll take anything you throw at him without a sniff of suspicion, but you're not that good at hiding it Rachel, if you were, you wouldn't have changed in the middle of the bathroom where anyone could walk in on you."

Quinn's expression softened, suddenly, and still Rachel could not react. She opened and closed her mouth like a fish out of water, searching her brain for a wild excuse, anything to convince Quinn she was making things up inside her head.

"I'm not going to tell anyone Rachel, at least not yet. You are. You're going to tell Mr Schue, or Finn, or someone and let them pass it on to whoever they need to, and if you don't, I will. You have one week."

Without another word, Quinn swept past Rachel and out of the choir room before a cover story could even begin to form and as soon as she was gone, the scream started. The panicked wail that stayed only inside Rachel's head, a silent plea for help.

**I had trouble with the Quinn and Rachel scene. I didn't want to make them friends as such because I dislike Quinn, but I also thought she would care and wouldn't just leave Rachel to starve herself to death, whatever had happened between them in the past. **

**The review button wants to be your friend. See it looking at you? See those pleading eyes? Are you really going to turn it down? **


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm pretty sure I know where this is going, and the last chapter is sure to give me hell. I always end up with an ending conflict, I'm so indecisive. **

She had twenty four hours left. One day. One more free day of Quinn's ultimatum, and then she would be caught. Rachel had done her best. She had taken to making sure she ate around Quinn, trying to get both her and Finn together so she never had to eat anymore than one small meal a day, but she wasn't as naive as her ex boyfriend. She had guessed what Rachel was up to within the first day, and had hissed, as she left the lunch hall, that it wasn't going to work.

So then Rachel had tried a different approach. She had cornered Quinn, told her she was spouting rubbish and imagining the whole thing. She insisted she was eating, that nothing was wrong, it was just an ordinary diet, but Quinn had just scoffed, deaf to her excuses. It was only when Rachel burst out that there was clearly nothing wrong with her if she was still so fat, so ugly that she got a proper reaction from her team mate.

Quinn had stared at her, for several long seconds. Long enough so Rachel considered just slipping away, leaving the conversation for later because the stare was making her feel so uncomfortable, but in the end, she hadn't needed to. Before she could move, the ex cheerleader's eyes had filled with tears, and she fled, leaving Rachel standing in the English classroom wondering what on earth had just happened.

Nothing had worked, and now she had just one more day left of exercising, eating as little as she liked before she knew the inevitable would happen. She wasn't stupid, she knew the way she was going about losing weight was dangerous, she knew they would try and stop her, put her on a more healthy diet plan that would make her gain huge amounts of weight. Rachel knew the way she was going about her diet wasn't the best, but it was the only way to shed it fast, like she needed to.

But she wasn't sick, she wasn't one of those girls. She couldn't be, there was still so much weight there. She'd have to lose much more before she could be like them. Those skinny girls she saw in the newspapers or magazines, those who had taken a diet too far and ended up in hospital, or worse. When she had first seen one of those articles, it had scared her. It had scared her almost enough to make her give up what she was doing, but then she had caught sight of herself in a mirror and she knew she had nothing to worry about.

Now Rachel needed a plan. She'd have to do something to make sure she couldn't put on the weight from the food they were going to shovel down her. Perhaps she would work on her gag reflex, but that couldn't last. It wouldn't be long before they were listening at the door when she went to the bathroom like unshakable stalkers. At least there was nothing they could do about it while she was at home, unless they physically moved in with her. It wasn't as if her dads were ever around to make sure she ate.

If she could just wake up earlier, then she could get an extra workout in before running to school, then, if she tried extra hard with the dancing in Glee rehearsal and ran home as well, she should burn off whatever they forced her to eat during the day. And anyway, they couldn't actually _make _her eat. It would just be a show, all she'd have to do was keep it up for a couple of weeks, and they'd leave her alone. She controlled her body, not them. They couldn't make her do anything.

…

With some persuasion, Rachel had agreed to spend the evening at Finn's. It was by no means what she wanted to do, she'd never be able to get her full workout in and what was she going to do about eating? But as she had gone to refuse, she had seen Finn's face fall before she could even say no as he guessed her next words. He looked crushed, like she was getting ready to dump him altogether, and suddenly, she hadn't the heart to say no.

One night couldn't hurt, could it? She couldn't put on weight from one night. But still the thought of eating with someone else, right in front of them, in front of a whole family, a meal that was not her choice, something that she couldn't see exactly what was going into it filled her with dread. What if Finn's mom used something bursting with calories in her cooking? Rachel could hardly turn it down without looking rude; it was times like this in which she was thrilled about her vegan diet.

Rachel forced a smile as Finn's arm slunk around her shoulder, but before he had even opened his mouth, she was already coming up with a million excuses to back away from him so he couldn't feel what was underneath her clothes. But his arm only tightened around her, holding her close as if he was afraid she would fade away.

"My mom's really psyched about your visit. She's missed you." Although he didn't say it, Rachel heard the unspoken 'she's not the only one'.

She smiled. "Well with my crammed schedule of dance, vocal and acting lessons, it's been hard to find the time to engage in other matters. Lately I have found myself particularly busy with my Broadway dreams having realised if I am ever to get anywhere with my ambitions, I need to work myself harder." _Give myself the body of a star. _

Finn listened to Rachel rant, a dopey grin crossing his features as her voice washed over him. He had missed this. He had missed her. It had been so long since her rabbles had assaulted his ears, and he couldn't say he had enjoyed the silence. Sure, at first it had been nice to have some time to his self, a few hours to play Call Of Duty or get in an extra football practice, but after a while, it was just plain weird. He had begun to notice the absence of his girlfriend, and it wasn't a feeling he was willing to get used to.

As they walked, Finn took his arm from around Rachel's shoulders, pushing away the realisation that he could feel the sharpness of her shoulder blades through her overly large top and instead, he took her hand, interlocking their fingers as a new way to claim her for his own.

"Your hands are cold," he commented, squeezing her fingers.

…

As predicted by Finn, Rachel received a warm welcome from his mother. Carole pulled Rachel into a tight hug as soon as she walked through the doorway, and it was everything Rachel could do not to pull away again as she felt her boyfriend's mom stiffen, feeling her tiny frame.

"You've lost weight," she informed Rachel, as if it was going to be news to everyone. "We'll soon do something about that." She smiled warmly at her, and Rachel's panic was immediately replaced by a pang of hurt that Finn's mom seemed to care for her more than her own did. His family was like the one she had always longed for, but never had. Finn had the easy, tight relationship with his mother that she had always dreamed of, and the siblings she had longed for. She just wanted someone to keep her company during the long evenings of solitude.

The smell of cooking wafted through to the hall and made Rachel's stomach turn uneasily. There was nothing inside her to throw up, but that didn't stop the smell making her feel sick, and she wished she had never agreed to this. She could have made up some excuse, had Finn over hers instead. Or told him she wouldn't be able to make it until later so she could have skipped dinner.

"Hey Princess," Kurt's voice wafted from the top of the stairs and he practically skipped down them to give Rachel a hug and she 'accidentally' shrugged her bag from her shoulder so she had an excuse to bend down and pick it up, avoiding the hug. Kurt looked slightly taken aback as Rachel stood again, her arms crossed firmly over her stomach, a clear signal for him to stay away.

…

Not long later, Rachel, Finn, Kurt and their parents were sitting down to dinner. Rachel's first proper meal in months, and she was struggling with the urge to throw up. She was tempted to cave to it, at least if she had to dash to the loo, she would have a good excuse to get out of eating the meal, but she didn't want Carole to think it was her food.

The bile rose in her throat as Finn's mother placed a steaming plate of pasta in front of her, her heart sinking that Carole had remembered she was vegan. Rachel forced a smile, plastering on her well practised show face, and with a trembling hand, she picked up her fork along with everyone else. She stared down at the plate, almost able to see all the fat glistening on the food, tormenting her.

Rachel stabbed a single pasta twirl and lifted it to her lips. That part was simple enough._ Just do this slowly, _she told herself, _eat one piece at a time and don't think about it. If you do this, he might stop worrying. _The thought was hardly a comfort as she forced the pasta into her mouth, chewing almost on auto pilot. One piece after the other, trying desperately to focus on the conversation to avoid thinking about what she was putting into her body, but the words washed over her, her focus completely on the food in front of her.

At last, after what felt like hours later, her plate was empty. After not having eaten a meal in months, it should have made her feel better, but Rachel had never felt more disgusting. If it had been Quinn sat at the table, she would have politely declined in favour of her cheerleader diet, but of course, she was too weak to do the same. How long was it going to take for Finn to realise he had made a huge mistake dumping someone as gorgeous as Quinn and ask for her back?

"That was lovely," said Rachel, sweetly, with a very forced smile which Carole returned, brightly. Finn also smiled at her, looking happier than she had seen him in ages, and finally, she smiled for real. She had missed his dopey grin. But her happiness was short lived as the alien feeling of being full set in. She had to get rid of it, later wouldn't do, burning it off wouldn't work, it had to go now.

With another forced smile, Rachel stood as quickly as she could without making it obvious she was in a hurry to get away. "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go, my dads are home early tonight and they want to take advantage of the lack of work demands by having a night in, just the three of us." She refused to look at Finn as he spoke, knowing the grin would fall off his face.

Kurt smiled back at her and dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "That's okay Princess, I know how my brother's company can become insufferable after too many minutes trapped in the same room as him. Although I must admit that having him sitting around the table with us makes a rather valued change, we're all so used to him eating in his bedroom playing a mindless game with himself."

Finn choked on the gulp of water he had just taken and flushed a furious red, glaring at his brother. "Kurt! That kinda stuff, it's private dude."

Kurt raised his eyebrows. "I was referring to Call of Duty."

The awkward shift in atmosphere gave Rachel even more incentive to leave as quickly as possible, thanking Carole for a 'lovely' meal as she hurried out of the door, calling her goodbyes to Finn who was still bickering across the table with his step brother.

As soon as she got home, Rachel dashed upstairs to the bathroom, dropping to her knees beside the toilet and pushing her fingers down her throat, praying she had been gifted with a gag reflex in the year and a half since she had last tried. She retched, at first coming up with nothing, but the stomach full off food seemed to have weakened it considerably. The pasta looked even less appetising as it came back up her throat.

When she was done, she slumped on the floor, her leaning against the bath, weakly as the tears poured down her cheeks. She had always hated throwing up, and this time, there was no one there to comfort her, no one to hold her as she sobbed into the side of the bath her arm wrapped around her aching and empty stomach. But instead of feeling as if she had achieved anything, the only thought that went through Rachel's head as she slumped on her bathroom floor was that she didn't want to be pretty anymore.

...

The pad of Rachel's finger brushed under her eye as she carefully applied the concealer that would hide the dark bruises of exhaustion. Her hand felt cold on her face, sending a shiver through her tiny body. Students pushed in and out of the bathroom, not one of them giving her a second glance as she stood in front of the mirror, eyeing her body critically as she rubbed the make up into her face. Her cheeks were much to round, she would have to do something about that.

The bell for the first period rung through the halls, the sound carrying through to the bathroom, but Rachel made no move to leave. She didn't want to go to her class looking like she had just rolled out of bed, although that wasn't far from the truth. She had woken up late and only just had time to do a quick morning workout before flinging on some clothes and running to school to make up for what she hadn't managed to get in before leaving. Her hair still hung in loose curls around her face, as limp and lifeless as Rachel felt.

She winced suddenly and rubbed her temple gently. The first stabs of a headache had started when she rolled out of bed that morning and it had grown gradually worse throughout the day, not helped by her run into school. But worse than that was the difficulty she had in getting her breath back. Even now, twenty minutes after she had arrived, Rachel was struggling to breathe normally. She wasn't gasping, like she had been before, but she found herself having to draw deeper breaths than normal, which was proving a harder task than it should be.

Pushing away the growing feelings, Rachel continued to touch up on her make-up, making sure none of the tale tell signs of exhaustion, or in fact anything being wrong at all, were showing on her face. Finally, she was happy with the result and stood up straight from where she had been leaning over slightly to see into the mirror. All at once, she felt the same light headed sensation she had felt in Glee Club weeks ago, but this time, it came hundreds of times worse.

Her heart banged inside her chest, so hard, Rachel was afraid it would burst right out. She struggled to draw in air, the panic setting in as the breaths did nothing but catch in her throat, making it impossible to fill her lungs. The dizziness was getting worse, the bathroom becoming one huge blur of multi colours so one could not be told from the other. Rachel gasped, reaching blindly for the sink for something to hold onto, swaying dangerously were she stood.

_I'm dying, _was the last thought through Rachel's head before she collapsed to the ground and the bathroom faded away.

**Last chapter next. Only knowing me, this will end up 100 chapters long, it was originally a one shot. My review button is flourishing with its new friendships, it would be lovely it it could carry them through to the end. **

**All you guys who review/add me to favourites/alerts etc are brilliant :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Welcome to the last chapter. I've had fun writing this, well, not fun as such, but it's been something different. An issue I've never tackled before. And I apologise in advance for how long it is. **

** I've had such an amazing response to this story so far and it's been great :) I totally love waking up in the morning to an abundance of emails from fan fiction, it brightens my otherwise pretty depressing mornings (I am totally not a morning person, without several cups of tea I'm Voldermort on his period). **

Time seemed to slow down in the entrapment of the four walls that surrounded them. Each time someone looked up at the clock and saw only thirty seconds had passed since they last checked, they became more and more sure that it was being pushed back every few moments, giving no impression that any time had actually passed at all. The only sign that it was indeed passing were the noises. The ringing of a phone, the crash as the double doors at the end of the hall burst open and someone else hanging in the limbo between life and death was wheeled in, shouts of medical jargon as doctors and nurses exchanged idea and patient information.

Outside on the streets, it seemed that life was going on as normal. Traffic roared past, hoards of people in a hurry to get home from work. School kids slouched down the road, bags heavy with dreaded homework flung carelessly over their shoulders, their minds occupied with thoughts of the upcoming weekend as if nothing out of the ordinary had passed, as if there weren't six people, huddled as close together as they could be on the hard plastic seats, awaiting news of just one.

Finn clung hard to Quinn's hand as he stared mindlessly at the smooth grey floor. He held onto her because she was the closest person to him and he had to cling to someone otherwise he may fall into the waiting oblivion that had threatened him ever since he saw Rachel lying so lifeless on the bathroom floor.

He clung to Quinn because she was familiar, and she had noticed long before anyone else. She had seen what they had all refused to, and somehow, by holding onto her, the person with the closest connection to what had happened other than Rachel herself, was a comfort to Finn. He knew he was probably hurting her, but she didn't complain; in fact, she seemed to bury her fingers just as hard into the back of his hand so they created grooves that he would feel there for a long time to come.

He had never hated himself more than he did in that plastic hospital chair. The others had all failed to see what was in front of their face, Quinn had confronted it, but he hadn't done either of those things. He had seen just what was there, the weight loss that went beyond a diet, how withdrawn she was, how quiet and pale. He had noticed it all, but he had pushed it out of his mind as if it weren't there because then he wouldn't have to deal with it.

Suddenly, Finn was not only staring at the floor, but at a pair of black shining shoes that had stopped directly in front of him and his head snapped up to face the doctor's. The doctor was looking at each one of them, nothing in his blank features and Finn wanted to shake him for information. Why was he just standing there looking at them? It couldn't be because...? No. Of course not.

"Are any of you Rachel Berry's family?" He asked, in a deep, throaty voice and Finn's urge to hit him grew. What the fuck did it matter if they were Rachel's family or not? They were the closest thing she had right now as it seemed her dads had vanished off the face of the earth and were neither at the house or answering their phones. According to the answering machine, they were on a three week business trip and would be non contactable for the coming two weeks.

Just as Finn was about to snap at the guy, Mr Schue stood up. "Yes we are," he said, firmly. "I'm her uncle and these two," he pointed to Finn and Kurt "are mine. The others are with us." No one contradicted the unexpected lie and the doctor was forced to believe him. Or at least if he didn't, he overlooked it and carried on regardless.

"Rachel is very malnourished. We have reason to believe she has been deliberately starving herself, and a full psychological examination will be carried out when she regains consciousness. She has not yet woken up, and we are keeping her on a drip to keep her hydrated. You may see her, but only in twos and I strongly advise you to contact her parents as quickly as possible. We have something important to discuss with them."

_Her dads? Why couldn't they discuss it with them, the people that were there? _Thought Finn, angrily. They had just gone and left her, not even leaving a number to phone in case she really needed them. Of course, they probably hadn't predicted this, but when his mom left him, she didn't stop fussing, even though he was seventeen. She'd leave him money, food, emergency money, emergency emergency money in case the emergency money ran out, numbers of neighbours, her own mobile number on a post it note in every room. Rachel always talked about how her dads always loved her so much, so where were they now? Where were they when she really, really needed them?

…

Rachel's hand was clasped lightly in Finn's, the size difference so vast that hers almost disappeared. It felt so small, so light that he was scared to hold it any tighter in case he broke her. Her entire frame just looked so damn _tiny. _The bed seemed to swallow her whole, the blankets evoking her in a suffocating layer. She had always been small, but now she was something else entirely. She was barely there, just a shell of what she once was. There was none of the spark, passion, the life that had been so prominent in the past.

Finn heard someone sit down in the chair beside him, but didn't draw his eyes away from Rachel to see who it was. He was afraid if he stopped looking at her, she would fade altogether. "We've still had no joy in getting hold of her dads," said a soft voice from beside him that Finn instantly recognised as his step brother's and he felt a rush of relief at his presence. He didn't think he could stand any longer in the silence.

"Keep trying. They need to sign-" Finn broke away, closing his eyes briefly before fixing them back on his girlfriend. He couldn't quite bring himself to acknowledge what they were consenting to, what they were going to do to her. _I'm so sorry, _he told her, silently with a gentle squeeze of her hand. A squeeze that she didn't return. He wished so much that she would just hold his hand right back, or open her eyes and yell at him for not noticing something was so wrong with her. He didn't even care if she used all her long words that he didn't get, so long as she _spoke. _

Kurt sighed, watching his brother and best friend, the same wishes in his mind as Finn. "They're on a business trip Finn, according to my delightful conversation with their answering machine, they are un-contactable for the next two weeks. Maybe we should-"

"No!" Finn cut him off before he could finish. That was not an option. Rachel was going to hate them enough for this as if was. She'd never forgive them if they did that.

"I was merely pretending to suggest the idea to you in order to remain polite, but since you still refuse to see it is the only option we have left, I am forced to defy your protests. I have Mr Schue on it now, he knows her better than we do."

Anger crashed through Finn and for the first time since he had entered the room, his eyes snapped away from Rachel to glare furiously at his step brother. "No!" He shouted, so loudly that Kurt looked startled and gestured for him to keep his voice down, nodding towards a still 'sleeping' Rachel. Finn shook with rage, giving no indication that he had noticed the gesture, but when he next spoke, his voice was quieter, but still laced with a burning anger.

"You can't do this! You now how much this is going to suck for her anyway, do you really think bringing her into this is going to help? She abandoned her Kurt, just ditched her again when she wasn't getting her magical violin moment."

"I know that Finn!" Shot back Kurt, his eyes narrowing. "But we need a parent or guardian to sign that form and since none of us are any of those things I really don't see what other choice we have!"

"Anything! We don't have to do it at all- she wouldn't- I can't- we don't-" Finn's voice finally broke off altogether as it cracked under the emotion as he struggled to hold back his tears. Breaking down now would do nothing to help Rachel, and he _had _to help her. He just knew Kurt was wrong in this decision. What was going to happen if they let that woman back into Rachel's life? Was she just going to waltz back in for a few seconds and then leave her again? Finn didn't know if Rachel could deal with that rejection again, but neither did he think she could deal with it if her mother stayed a part of her life. Not when her recovery had to be the sole focus of her life.

Kurt's hand rested gently on his arm, a comforting gesture. "Look at her," he said, quietly, his own voice trembling. "She needs help that we can't give to her. Her dads won't be around for another two weeks, we're going to have to face the reality that then it may be too late."

Finn shook his head, refusing to look at his girlfriend and see what Kurt was. He already knew that, he knew Rachel needed the help he couldn't give, if he had been able to help her, she would never have been in that condition to start with; but that didn't mean he wanted that help coming from strangers and the mother who had abandoned her over and over.

"Please, Kurt, there has to be something else, someone else."

Kurt just shook his head, hopelessly. "You know there isn't Finn, it might be good for Rachel to have her mom around again."

"She's not her mom," snapped Finn and Kurt didn't argue. He knew his brother was right. He too had his doubts about involving Shelby, fully aware that it could do more harm than good, but they could not afford to let her continue to spiral downhill for another two weeks before her dads got back and could sign the forms to admit her themselves and Shelby was the only other person who had the right; in the eyes of the law at any rate. In his eyes, she had no right at all.

But Kurt was right, they didn't have a choice.

…

When she first opened her eyes, Rachel was sure she really had died. All she could see was white, almost blinding against her eyes so used to the dark. She fought back a groan as she forced them open all the way to view her surroundings. She blinked. The place didn't look like the afterlife. Did they have bedside jugs of water in heaven, or wherever it was you went when you died? And what was that annoying beeping sound?

Groggily, Rachel began to experiment with moving. She started with her toes, relieved when they responded as she wiggled them. She straightened out her legs slightly, only realising then how uncomfortable she had been before and finally turned her head, gazing around the room she had woken up in.

She hadn't been wrong about her previous assumption, everything _was _white. The walls, the dull painted ceiling, the table by her bedside, even the chairs surrounding her. She blinked, wondering if she had lost her ability to see colour. Surely nothing was _this _devoured of colour. Just as she was about to conclude she really had gone partially blind, Rachel cast her eyes down to the soft blanket that was covering her. Blue.

"Rachel?" A wave of de-jar-vu washed over her and she twisted her neck painfully to look to the sound of the voice, knowing before she locked eyes with her mother that it was her. Rather than feeling relieved as a person should when they wake in an unknown place with their mother by their side, Rachel's apprehension only increased. All her meetings with her so far had only resulted in rejection and anger. The pain that had lead her to this very place.

"what are you doing here?" She asked without a trace of anger or resentment, but also without the bright warmth her tone almost always held, whoever she was speaking to. More importantly, what was she doing there? The room that Rachel finally recognised as a hospital room felt just as alien as if she really had woken in the afterlife. Her thoughts were just one huge blur, she couldn't remember how she had ended up there or what she had been doing before she got there.

Shelby didn't answer her, not immediately. Her eyes stayed on her daughter, her expression unreadable, a contrast to Rachel's clear confusion and wonder. "Will-Mr Schuster called me," she admitted at last, doing nothing to clear things up but Rachel merely nodded, not asking her to expand on the explanation.

A few moments of silence passed and Rachel turned back to her mother, feeling a flutter of panic at the familiar look in her eyes. It was the very same look she had when she was hiding something. It was the dark gleam that she had seen reflected back at her in the glass every time she had looked in the mirror over the past months and it was enough to send her heart fluttering in her chest.

"Ra-" Shelby begun, but before she could finish her daughter's name she was interrupted by a squeak and Finn stumbled in awkwardly, attempting to balance a plastic cup of scolding coffee in one hand, sugar in the other and open the heavy wooden doors with his shoulders. As the door swung shut behind him, he looked up from his task, seeing Shelby first and his features immediately twisted into an angry scowl.

"What are you-" he started what promised to be a good rant before catching sight of Rachel, her eyes open and fixed on her mother just as intently as Finn's had been, but she wasn't glaring like him, she just looked curious, worried, sad even. His face softened just as quickly as it had set in fury and a relieved grin slid over his lips. He rushed over to her bedside, setting his coffee and sugar down beside her jug of water.

"Hey," he said lamely, and closed his eyes briefly in embarrassment. _Hey? _Is that really all he could think of to say? His girlfriend had been unconscious in a hospital room for the past six hours and all he could say was a greeting, as if he had done nothing more than pass her in the hall on an average day on his way to math. But Rachel didn't seem to mind. She smiled, the corners of her mouth turning up the smallest fraction, as if it took too much energy to do it properly.

An awkward silence descended upon the room, both Rachel and Finn suddenly very aware of the presence of her mother, the only thing stopping him from swooping down and kissing her on the spot. He had so many things to say to her, things he could not say all the time Shelby was stood there like the only single at a couples' party.

"Shelby, can you leave us alone for a moment?" Rachel requested, her tone devoured of all emotion. She spoke coolly, as if she were addressing a staff nurse rather than the woman who had given birth to her. For several drawn out seconds, Shelby did not move. Her gaze was fixed on her daughter, boring into her as if preparing herself to argue, but then she just nodded and tore her eyes away walking briskly from the room with her head high, like she was leaving behind no more than a stranger she just happened to stumble upon.

"Finn, what am I doing here?" Asked Rachel, as soon as she was gone. The question was so unexpected that for a while, he could not think of an answer. Surely she knew that? She must know what she was doing to herself, realised the effect it must be having on her body, even if her need to be 'pretty' overruled what her head was telling her.

"You passed out," he told her, a slight edge to his voice. "In the girls' bathroom, you're heart actually _stopped _Rachel, not for long, but it did. It couldn't take it, the exercise, the lack of food, what you're doing to yourself it's-"

"Stop!" She snapped, shifting away from him as if he had said something offensive. "I don't know what you're talking about, it's a diet, that's all."

"No-" Finn began, but stopped almost instantly. Getting into a fight with her was not what he wanted to do, and she wasn't going to listen to him all the time he was shouting at her, trying to force her to see the truth, but the thought of what he had just told her was just so damn terrifying. He hadn't been trying to scare her, for a few seconds, she really had been dead.

"I'm sorry Rach, I just-" he sighed and reached for her, hesitantly, half expecting her to pull away, but to his surprise, she leaned into him, curling her tiny body beside his, impossibly large in comparison. Finn relaxed immediately. Her touch could always make him feel that way, like there was nothing else that mattered in the whole world other than that she was right there with him in that very moment, and that was what he needed more than anything. To just hold her and forget everything that was going on around them. Just to be _with _her.

"Just please, never do that to me again."

Rachel didn't answer, but pressed herself even closer to him and he wrapped his arms around her, his fingers running through her hair, their closeness filling the silence between them, Finn communicating a silent promise to be right there with her in whatever way she wanted him, for as long as he was needed.

…

The insides of Finn's palms were sweating and he felt a rush of nerves that made the flutter he got before a football game or finals seem like nothing more than the smallest of butterflies just passing through his stomach. That feeling went way beyond butterflies, it was not just a brick, but a whole wall that was ready to come out as he waited outside Rachel's room after the doctor had walked away, knowing what he had been holding off was now inevitable.

It was all finalised, Rachel was going to be staying at the hospital, in a different ward to the one she was in now and they were going to try slowly to get her to eat. If in a week, she failed to co-operate, they were going to stick a _tube _down her throat and force her, actually force her to eat foods she didn't want. It sounded horrific, even to Finn and he wasn't the one who was going to have the thing he feared most forced upon him.

With a determined sigh, Finn pushed open the doors to Rachel's room, gathering himself for what he was about to do. He didn't agree with the ethics of it, but he knew deep down it was the best thing to do for her now. She was way beyond the point where just telling her she was perfect as she was and taking her out for her favourite meal would help. She needed help. Proper help, and that was the only way to give it to her.

Rachel was sitting up in her bed, propped up by pillows and looking weak and so very thin, but she was alive. For a while, he had been scared she wouldn't even be that and now he was about to take away the last control she had over her life, force it to take a direction that was the last thing she wanted. She smiled at him, even her lips looking paper thin against her pale, sunken face. Finn tried to smile back, but it felt strained against his features, so used to being set in a frown. He couldn't smile at her knowing he was about to tear her world apart.

"Rachel-" Finn begun, but it came out as no more than a whisper. He tried again, clearing his throat and moving closer to her so he could take her hand, holding onto it as tightly as if it were his lifeline. "Rach, I need to tell you something." Rachel raised her eyebrows, not used to him being so serious, but said nothing, for once recognising when not to talk.

Finn drew a deep breath, the words settling in his throat in protest. They didn't want to come out, he didn't want to say them, be the one to tell her everything was about to be snatched away from her. "You've got to stay here," he said, his voice quivering. Rachel frowned, confusion flitting across her features.

"I know that. The nurse told me they were going to have to keep here for a couple of days to observe my condition, make sure my heart keeps beating," she smiled, as if it were a joke, but in no twisted sense of the phrase could Finn see the funny side in what was happening, what still had to happen.

"No, Rach, I mean you have to stay here. After that. They-well, we-she signed-" Finn sighed. "You're going to stay here and get better. In the other ward."

For a long moment, Rachel said nothing, but her eyes did not leave Finn's. She stared at him, as if he had just given her a week to live, her face calm, composed from shock, but behind that he could see the horror beginning to form. He saw her features melt into her emotions, so many different things at once: fear, anger, misery and the worst one of all, betrayal.

Then she screamed. A long, drawn out angry screech of sorrow, the sound of someone who didn't know what else to do, someone whose emotions had become too much for them to handle and there was no other way to get them out, to express all the pain inside. Finn was used to her dramatics, he was used to her crying and throwing things at him, getting angry and upset over nothing. He was used to her fury when she didn't get a solo, her pain when he hurt her, but he was not used to this.

Rachel's hand had left his, snatched from his grasp without him having any memory of it having happened. "Rach, it's okay, it's gonna be okay, they'll make you better." He tried to comfort her, but it sounded more like he was pleading. He reached for her again, attempting to stroke her hair, soothingly, but she recoiled from him as if he had hit her, lashing out at him and knocking his hands away.

"Don't touch me!" She cried, almost falling off the side of the bed in her desperation to get away from him. Finn's fingers curled into a fist and he drew his hand away, stepping backwards. His mind froze as he struggled to think of something, _anything _to do. He had to comfort her, explain, say _something_, but she was sobbing now, crying so hard into her pillow that it felt like someone had performed the Cruciatus curse on his heart.

"How?" She cried suddenly, lifting her head so he saw the stains of tears that streamed down her cheeks, the tremble of her lip and the pain in her eyes that he had put there. "Y-you can't make me stay here, the law c-clearly states that-that you must have a parent of guardian sign the form of c-commitment in order to keep me here against my will and-"

Finn remained silent, staring down at the floor, shuffling his feet like a naughty school boy being told off by the principle. The triumphant look fell away from Rachel's face as the answer fell into place and the betrayal already etched into her eyes grew. Her gaze swung to the door, glaring hard at the wood as if it had been the one to sign the forms allowing her section and in the next second, they swung open and Shelby stood, staring right back at her daughter as if Rachel had summoned her with her gaze.

"What are you doing here?" She said, quietly, staring so intensely at her mother that Finn almost felt sorry for her. He knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of the anger of Rachel, but even he had never seen her like this. She was not just mad, she was so furious that it ran through her whole body and she trembled with it, glaring at her mother as if she wanted to kill her with the power of her stare.

"What gives you the right to be here? You have never cared about me, you've never wanted me-"

"That's not-" Shelby began, but Rachel cut across her, barely seeming to even have heard.

"You chose a stranger's kid over me, so you do not get to come here and be a parent now. I don't need you, and neither do I want you"

Shelby flinched at her daughter's words, feeling for the first time the rejection Rachel must have felt, rejection that she had never meant to give. Hurting her wasn't what she had wanted, she had cut her daughter from her life to avoid exactly that.

"Rachel, I could see what you were doing to yourself even before I got the call from your teacher. I'm not an idiot, I saw how thin you were that day, you were so exhausted from running but still you didn't stop. I thought you were going to fall down right there and then, and I may not be your mom, but I can't watch you do this." Although the words seemed sincere, Shelby put none of the emotion she was feeling into them, a relationship with Rachel now was certainly off the cards.

Rachel shook her head furiously, refusing to listen. "I don't care, it has nothing to do with you and you have no right to be here, to do this to me!" Her voice had risen to a shout. If she didn't calm down, she was going to attract security. "Just leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. It shouldn't be difficult for you."

Shelby's eyes narrowed, her own anger burning as her daughter's seeped into the air. "You have no idea of why I called it between us and I would not expect you to understand. But what did you want me to do Rachel? Tell Mr Schuster that I wasn't going to sign anything because I didn't care if you lived or died? When I gave you up to your dads I thought I was leaving you in capable hands, but they aren't here now. I had no other choice and I don't care what you say to me, I will not regret doing it."

"Just go," was all Rachel said in response, still glaring at her mother, her words meaningless through the anger and betrayal. She was not willing to see the logic in what she was saying, not prepared to recognise the reasons behind it and how Shelby really hadn't had much of a choice, she was too hurt, too scared.

Shelby left, without so much as a glance back at her daughter and as soon as she was gone, the tears returned but that time, Rachel turned to Finn rather than her pillow, clinging to him as if she had forgotten all her anger from just minutes ago. Her tiny fingers clasped the front of his shirt as she buried her face into his chest, her body heaving with sobs.

Finn wrapped his arms around her, once again scared of how easy it was, how little there was of her. He held her, much more loosely than he would of liked through fear of hurting her and made gentle hushing noises as he rubbed her back, drawing circles with his palm.

"It's okay Rach," he murmured. "You're going to be fine, they'll make you better. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry for doing this to you but you need it, you can't see how much you do because this thing, it's blinding you." Rachel didn't reply, but neither did she argue with him. Finn slid his hand up her back, resting it on the exposed skin on the back of her neck, stroking it gently and feeling her shudder under his touch. He smiled, softly and whispered into her ear.

"I love you Rach, and I'm not going to rest until you can see how beautiful you are."

**Well that's it, the end of this fic. But all is not lost, I am thinking about a sequel, depends what people want and what I can be bothered to do. And if I do have a sequel, would you like to see more Shelby/Rachel in it or would you like me to have Rachel tell her where to go? Again. **


	6. Danke

I just received an email telling me I had been nominated for a Finchel fan fiction award with this story :) Thanks so much to whoever that was, I've actually been telling everyone. I'm going to go to strangers in the street soon and announce it. Here's the link to the page if you want to check out the rest and vote etc...

h t t p : / / w w w . F a n f i c t i o n . n e t / u / 2 9 9 5 2 0 5 /

Just delete the gaps. Or just search 'FinchelFanFictionAwards'.

Thanks again guys :) And to everyone who took a general interest in this story, people appreciating my writing really means a lot to me :)

Also, I will take this time to tell you the sequel to this is up for those who don't know. It's called 'Shattered Dreams'.


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